updates and religion and questions

A few things to discuss today... First, i have a new bike. its three wheels but its better than nothing, and i dont know how to ride a real bike anyway...
next, im excited to say that i will be going to church this sunday, actually im excited enough that its a good thing my calming meds arrived...
unfortunately im feeling particularly lonely and sad, not sad enough to think about death (that hasnt been the case since january) but still sad... and i know why im lonely and its a stupid reason... besides, im never /really/ alone... even when im feeling like this. Good thing there's less than 200 days until my birthday or i might feel more hopeless... As is i just cant wait for my future to become the present.
There is another issue, lately i've been getting a feeling i need to get baptized as soon as can be... the problem is that thats not likely to happen while im in California, and anyway i've been wanting to wait until i move... but that feeling is rather persistent and generally i would think to follow it...

QOD1: do you ever feel lonely when you arent alone?

QOD2: what do you think i should do?

The Shining Lost Ones

Last time I do this
It's my last chance to shine
an easy way to prove to them
I'M BETTER THAN THEY THINK

I'm NO ANGEL
I DON'T FOLLOW your RULES
I'm NOT a DEMON, NOT ENTIRELY
I have my own rules
My MORALS may be DIFFERENT
but I follow them TILL THE END

As YOU PATRONIZE ME
for being so STRANGE
I feel NOTHING BUT DISTASTE
You tell ME to CHANGE?
Well LOOK at your SELVES
YOUR TIRED WAYS
of conforming to one
and HATING those that
dare to do OTHERWISE
I'm sick of your INABILITY
to ACCEPT
My only solace: YOU WILL NOT LAST
WE who are FALLEN will not stay down much longer
Your time is up
And at last we can SHINE.

Dont Do It (A Fanfiction based on real people and real (unconected) events)

Music was blasting through the apartment, My Chemical Romance to be more precise. All the lights were turned off save for a small night light in the hall. The apartment reeked of dog urine and the stale smell of sweat. The only person was in the small bedroom. The girl could not have been much older than 20 if that. She had greasy, unwashed brown hair that was cut to just past her chin. Her eyes- dark green with brown and orange spots- contrasted greatly with her sickly pale skin. The only neat or clean thing about her appearance was her clothing. She was wearing a pair of old black jean (boys) and an even older looking Queen t-shirt. Her feet were bare and she wore no jewelry, but her clothing was clean and unwrinkled.
"I can’t do this, I can’t wait for them to get back I can’t hope that they will make life better" The girl whispered to herself as she reached for her night stand, which held only three things: an old alarm clock, a razor, and the photo. The photo was of six people smiling out at her. The girl smiled briefly, remembering that day. The five other people in the picture were now famous, they were in a band- My Chemical Romance- but when the photo was taken they had just been a group of friends trying to cope with reality, they had been goofing off in the garage they used for band practice and Alan had taken the picture just as Frank and jumped on Bob, Ray had tackled Mikey and Gerard had picked up the girl bridal-style laughing all the while.
The girl picked up the razor and put in its place a note of explanation. She sighed as Cemetery Drive came on, this is the song she had been waiting for, the song that had been created from a mixture of wishes and reality. She got up slowly and moved to the bathroom, razor in hand. As the girl put the cold metal to her skin she smiled and a single tear rolled down her cheek. "Don’t do it" A voice she would never be able to ignore whispered through the house. "What? No, Gerard is on tour, that couldn't have been him..." the girl muttered. Then she remembered, she had been there when the boys recorded Cemetery Drive, Gerard had whispered that same phrase in the rest after "staring down a loaded gun". With that realization the girl started to cry, because her hopes had been built up and torn down in that instant.
"PLEASE! Arie, don’t do it!" This time there was no mistaking his voice, and this time there was no way for it to have been the song, because the music had stopped. "G..Gerard?" The girl whispered, not believing what her own mind told her. The door burst open and a man with short black hair and hazel eyes ran in and scooped the girl up into his arms, tears running down his face.
"Arie...why?" He whispered, lost for words. "I...I'm sorry, I couldn’t stand it anymore, without you guys here..." Arie trialed off unable to continue.
**********
Arie woke up with a start. She had fallen asleep crying again, and her mind had played yet another cruel joke on her, letting her believe that her boys had returned to her. "It was just a dream...Just a f*cking dream" she whispered. The door of her bedroom opened and a pale face with hazel eyes appeared. "What was a dream?" he whispered, a smile plastered to his face. The man opened the door and walked in all the way, arms open, waiting for a hug. "GERARD! Your back!" With a shout of joy Arie jumped off the bed and tackled Gerard to the ground in a hug, tears streaming down her face, she buried her face in his old leather jacket, inhaling his familiar smell. "Hey, I missed you; the guys are waiting in the living room. Wana get dressed and come out?" Gerard whispered into her ear. Arie nodded and got off him, promptly shooing him out.
She quickly got changed into fresh clothing and was about to leave when something caught her eye.
Here suicide note from the dream was on her night stand.

Sink or Swim

Live to lie another day
die today and fade away
A drop of poison
sweet as honey
running down your throat
save the best for now
give up the task
give up and live a while longer
fight for your cause
fight and die!

There's a saying- sink or swim
you've got it all wrong
you gotta sink to survive
this life

To all you swimmers...
see you in the next life.

The Dreams Of Glory

You live a lie
from birth 'till the day you die
adding to it
to make yourself a name
No one belongs,
so why even bother?
We want it
the glory of it all
fills our inner dreams
and we work all our lives
to accomplish
what can not be done
We strive until we die
And become dreams
So long, and good night.

Fighting Back

People say you look alike
but that's all a lie
you can be
a mother or a father
a sibling
an uncle
the kid next door
the teacher or even the principle.

you claim we are weak
just because we don't
use our strength
because we act meek
because we have self control

We are strong
we just don't know it yet
we will rise up
we will defeat you

Running away from home
not going out doors
maybe even
quiting school
we'll do anything
to get away from you.

A parent who claims to love
as they bully and mock
a sibling that says its
"for your own good"
as they shove you
and punch you
A teacher that picks
on you because they know
you're having a bad day
A principle that wont
pay attention
or even worse
gives detentions
just for spite.

WE ARE TIRED OF YOUR BULL
we wont take it anymore

(make of it what you will)

The Bruises

Cuts and scrapes
decorate your pretty face
you laugh and evade my questions
you say you fell
on the way here
But what you don't know
is that I saw
the fist shaped bruise
I see all the bruises
But pretend they don't exist
in hopes that one day
they will go away
for good

But this has gone too far
They will pay for all the pain
I've seen you suffer
for every mark they put on you
They will suffer eternally

(Another common story)